Job loss…

A lot of clients are coming in lately with job loss~ their own or that of their partner or relative. Many are being threatened to work harder, faster, smarter… produce more or else they’re out the door. It’s a harsh reality. “They” say it’s getting better but for  many the job place is becoming toxic.  An  atmosphere that has become poisin to our systems, that has lost meaning or fulfillment, one without soul.  Another common problem… “I’ve lost my job and there’s nothing out there to apply for”.  We have watched the stock market plumet, businesses close , companies whittle down expenses, salaries, hours, perks, and benefits, vacations or furloughs forced upon us. The list goes on.  How do you keep your spirits up in this climate?  We could be victims to the circumstances. Often this is a first and normal reaction. Perhaps we should be looking @ this problem as an opportunity.

Those same people who tell me that they’ve lost a job eventually get around to saying that they didn’t really like their job anyway. Usually they end that same session with saying that it was a boring job… wasn’t really what they had planned on doing with the rest of their lives or what they had gone to school for.

Now, we’re getting somewhere!

My next question is a “no-brainer”… “what do you really want to do with your life?” Quickly  and enthusiastically they reply… My heart is really in photography…or design… or nature… or working with animals… or helping others.

 Almost everyone can name immediately what they realllllyyyy want to do.  How is it that we get trapped into doing what we think we should do? Stuck doing what seems most logical… often less meaningful? Who makes these rules? An honest answer is “we do”. Our parents or our teachers may have initially encouraged us to “be practical”or,  “do something you can make a living at, for God’s sake!”  But in the end, it’s on us. If you’re an adult, it’s your choice.

So, if you’re someone out there who’s lost a job or is being threatened to step up or out, allow yourself to feel bad or sad for a time and then take a deep breath and ask yourself… “what do I really want to do?” Ask it out loud…. and with enthusiasm. Let it resonate thru you.

If you only had a few months to live, what would you want to be doing with your life? Are you doing what calls you… Juices you… Lights you up when you talk about it?! If not, take the opportunity to do something about it.

You can start as small or large as you like… research what you really want to do. What are the steps to take? It may not be as difficult as you think. Will you need to take a class? Go back to school? Will it take extra money? Do you need the support of family or friends? A mentor? Is it a hobby, an art, a trade, or a whole new career?

Let your imagination run with it. Don’t censor your ideas in the beginning… write them down…. all of them, no matter how silly or far-fetched they may seem. You’re brainstorming and you need to let it rip! Take several days to create a good list of all possibilities. Then, you may want to sit down with a trusted friend, spouse, mentor, counselor, or coach and share the ideas with them. Mull them over… pick out the top 2, or3, or 5, together. The friend will help you to stay positive, encourage you, bolster your enthusiasm.

Then, make a game plan. Set some achievable goals for this week;  the month;  3 months and so on. By setting small achievable goals you will gain confidence and have the sense that you are making steady progress.

 Follow your heart, listen to your soul and Go For It!

Reflection

By nature, January offers us a good opportunity to go inside. The cold weather naturally encourages us to slow dow and to be sedentary. After the busyness of November and December we tend to be full of over indulgence, often attending more social gatherings, over extending; our time, money and energy. You can take this opportunity to imitate the weather; to be still, to empty out; to be void of activity. The cool/cold, crisp air, fresh snow, & often a sense of boredom easily helps us to reflect, to take inventory of where we’ve been and where we’d like to go from here.  Let yourself be still and notice what may be wanting to happen in your life in the coming months.

After a time of fullness~ there is a need for emptyness. Hold empty your vessel. Allow it to speak to you. That void inside is necessary, it needs to be empty so that we may “till the soil” in order to plant the seeds we are meant to nurture; to bring to life. Don’t rush this process~ the boredom of this season is necessary for our personal growth.  To meet this challenge is to fertilize the ground, making it ready for the new life ahead. In the quiet of this stage we gain clarity of direction and next steps to take. This is a time of discernment… a time to mull over; “what is it that I really want?” , “what is my soul seeking?” and then listening to the answers of that still small voice within.

Letting Go

In the Christian world, Christmas represents Christ’s birth. Symbolically it means new life, beginnings, the start of a new endeavor, a project, etc. The new light that is coming into the world is the light that we can use to illuminate our path; to see clearly the next steps to take as we find our way. To do that, our path needs to be cleared of any obstacles that get in our way. We need to empty out those things in our life that we no longer need, that no longer fit who we are. It could be a job that no longer feels right, friends that we’ve outgrown, a relationship that doesn’t meet our needs, an attitude that needs adjusting, the age-old role we’ve played in our family, seeing ourselves as less than we are… to name a few. As the year ends, take stock of parts of your life that you’re ready to release. Write them on a sheet of paper, in order of their importance or from easiest to most difficult to let go of. Make a 2nd list on another sheet of paper of the thing or things in your life you are ready to get started on. Use your imagination. This can be a list of goals for the New Year. It can be something that you’ve been dreaming of getting started on… a new career, going back to school, making new friends, a household project, a new relationship, or that book that’s waiting for you to write! Place this list next to the list of things that are on the way out. Set both lists in a prominent spot in your house… a spot that you will pass frequently (as to be reminded of what you’re working on). Each time you pass the lists, acknowledge them in some way~ glancing in their direction, touching them, light a candle or place a  token of some sort to honor what you’re working to release, and stop to read them occasionally. This keeps your intention of discarding the old and readying yourself for the new, fresh. Plan a ritual for the New Year. Pick a day that you will have some free time. Quiet yourself… thoughtfully, read each item on the list that you want to release. Use your imagination… see yourself setting each item free. With each thing you let go… feel yourself a little lighter. ( you may even tear up/shred, burn in a fireplace or ashtray, or flush the pieces of paper that you’ve written the things you want to be release). Once completed… notice what it feels like to be emptied out. Don’t rush this part… notice the spaciousness that you feel or picture it in your minds eye. See how much room you have for the new things you are ready to begin! Savor the empty feeling. Now, take the list of new things you wish to begin in your life. Carefully read each one of these aloud. Hear your voice as you speak them. Picture yourself starting that project or meeting new people. Feel your excitement as you think about the  fresh new page of life you are ready to begin! Set an intention to be open to any opportunities that come your way. Be patient with the process. New beginnings often develop slowly. Talk with friends or relatives that can help keep your spirits up. Refer back to the list of  your hopes, wishes and dreams, regularly.  Approach each day as if it were the first day of the Year… with fresh enthusiasm and as positive an attitude as you can. Keep in mind that what we ask for doesn’t always look like we expect as it comes together. Stay open minded. Trust the process. Watch as your new life unfolds.

Meditation

Meditation is a helpful practice to develop when trying to calm jangled nerves, work through a problem, decide on a course of action, or get to know your inner self better.  It’s not as complicated to begin a meditative practice as you may think. Here are some simple steps to take:  you can meditate with eyes open or closed.

With eyes open:  You may choose to sit at your kitchen table with a cup of tea in hand or out on your deck (or any other contemplative setting of your choice)… and focus on your breath… allowing it to become slower… and slower still… listening to the sound that it makes as it enters and leaves your body… in and out… as you watch the steam rise from your tea or feel the warmth of the cup in your hand or the sensation of the warm liquid as you swallow it. Or perhaps you’re on your deck… watching the wildlife in your backyard… feeling the cool breeze on your cheeks, blowing your hair… watching the sunset… and allowing your mind to slow down… as you take in the simple scene before you.  So, your focus is on allowing your breath to slow and being more aware of the sensations that you feel and using  your senses to notice the colors, objects, textures, smells, and tastes of your environment. You can do this for as short or as long as you like. Maybe you’ll begin by “taking a break” for a few minutes… or you could set aside 15 or 30 minutes… it’s totally up to you.

Experiment by lighting a candle and with soft eyes… watching the flame flicker… allowing your eyes to become heavy… loosen your gaze but do not close your eyes completely… notice what you experience.

With eyes closed: Or find a quiet place in your house… somewhere that is comfortable to you… where you won’t be disturbed. Choose a place to sit… again for a few minutes or longer… and settle into a comfortable posture… letting your body relax, your eyes be heavy… and again… begin by slowing your breath… and then listening to your breaths movement… in and out… in and out of your body. Slowly, allowing your eyes to close… letting the skin around your eyes soften… letting loose the muscles of the eye sockets… softening the muscles of the face and jaw… letting your breath be soft… slow… and slower still… releasing the shoulders… shoulder blades moving toward the back of your chair… body heavier still… and sitting quietly for however long feels right to you. Allowing thoughts to pass through your mind without needing to focus on them… each time you become distracted by thoughts or noise, remembering to listen to the sounds of your breath. When you feel finished gently opening your eyes and noticing the objects around you… taking your time to come back to your outer reality.

Or experiment with eyes closed: play some instrumental music (or nature sounds)… and slowing the breath to match the tempo of the instruments… or light incense or your favorite scented candle… concentrating on your sense of smell… and move into relaxation.

You may want to have your journal near by to write down any thoughts that surface. As your practice develops, use your imagination. Let go of guilt (for taking time for yourself)… unwind… indulge! You may surprise yourself.

Gratitude

Is your glass half empty or half full? As we proceed through fall and into the days of  winter we often find that we have less energy, we may be more irritable, it’s hard to crawl out of bed on a cold and damp, dark morning or to leave work and find it’s dark already, we ache more. Maybe we just don’t have that holiday spirit. We may feel more negative on a regular basis. What to do? Try cultivating an attitude of gratitude. Think you don’t have much to be thankful for? Give it a try…  gratitude is an appreciation for__________. You fill in the blank.  I’m grateful for my health and the health of my family members.  I’m grateful that I have enough food to eat today, a roof over my head, warm clothes, a computer to write this blog on. I appreciate that I had the chance to help another human being today and that I too could ask someone for help. I’m grateful that I live in the United States, that as a woman I have more opportunities then my mother did.  I give thanks for the birds that chirp from the bushes in that dark, cold morning air;  for the trees that shelter them, for the ground that I walk on and the fact that I have 2 feet that are able to walk… and shoes to keep my feet warm. I’m grateful that today’s a new day and I have a fresh chance to begin again no matter what my circumstances or woes, big or small. When we’re feeling life has dealt us a rotten hand… like things couldn’t be worse… and our cup is empty, try filling in “the blank”;  I’m grateful for___________.  See how many you can come up with.  Keep a gratitude list in a spiral notebook. Refer back to that list often.

Holiday Blues

So, the holidays are just around the corner… that can put a smile on your face or it can make you groan. Lots of people that I see for psychotherapy, come in dreading the family gatherings, are upset that they’re single especially @ this time of year, find themselves overeating, overspending, over-drinking and feeling exhausted.  There are a number of things you can do for yourself when you have the holiday blues. For instance, talking to a friend. Venting your fears, frustrations, and loneliness can help to let go of the feelings and free up your energy to enjoy friends and family, work, or just your own needs. Other things to try; increase your exercise… a brisk 15 minute walk releases the endorphins in your body… the chemical that improves your mood. If the weather is nasty… do some “mall” walking or go to your local high school pool for a swim. Take a yoga class (excellent for improving mood). Spend time outdoors. Getting 15 minutes of daylight also lifts our spirits. When you were young, your doctor probably told you, “Everything in moderation”. There was a reason for this… excess creates stress. So, allow yourself to enjoy the festivities, but do so in moderation. Things to consider: monitor sugar intake (sugar effects your mood causing highs and then lows); eyeball your portions of food (a taste often satisfies a craving as opposed to eating a whole piece!), Stay within your budget, particularly @ this time of year: it’s easy to overspend during the holidays; on gift giving, yourself, decorations, food, entertainment~ enjoy yourself but again, do so in moderation. Plan a less stressful season… do less, be creative when giving gifts, get adequate rest, let go of sending cards this year, say “no” if you don’t want to do something/go somewhere, let go of guilt, be good to yourself as well as others, fight loneliness… be the first to reach out to others, make new friends, renew old friendships, soften your heart, start a new tradition, explore your faith. We do best, we feel happier when we live in balance. Some folks experience a deeper depression then the holiday blues @ this time of year. Those symptoms include an increase in crying, feeling sad most of the day, loss of appetite or overeating, feeling more tired than usual, sleep problems like having trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, worrying, not enjoying or having interest in those things that normally are pleasurable to you and sometimes thoughts of self harm. If you have some of these symptoms, you could benefit from talking to a professional and/or a medication evaluation. Talk with your Doctor if you have these symptoms. Help is a phone call away.

Criticism

Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy~ memories run continually in the back of our minds… we remember things a parent, teacher or school friend said or did to us. Often we felt that we weren’t “good enough”, we had to do more, we had to prove them wrong. These are old tapes.

You’re older now but the old tapes keep haunting you. You no longer have to listen to them or believe them but… they don’t stop.

When this is your problem… it’s a hard habit to catch and stop! Here are some things to try:

*When you hear those old, internal tapes … pause and take a slow deep breath. As you exhale, firmly but gently say to yourself , “stop”. Take a second breath, shift and replace the negative thought with a positive one. For example, internally you hear, “I knew I’d screw it up, it was only a matter of time”. The minute you catch this thought/memory, pause, slowly inhale, shift and think or say out loud… “I’m getting better @ this each time” or “it’s ok to make mistakes”.

~Make a list of positive self talk such as:

*I can’t change others but I can change myself.

*Everyday I can make a fresh start.

*My choices are my own… no one else can influence me unless I allow it.

*Think of 3-5 things you like about yourself… repeat them daily

      ie. I’m funny  I’m creative   I’m nice to others   I’m adventurous

            I like music    I’m a fast runner    I’m a hard worker   I’m loyal

            I’m a good friend   I can be trusted    I love to laugh

~Use my list… and add your own ideas.

~Keep the list of positive self talk in your coat pocket, wallet, glove compartment, @ your bedside, etc.

~Refer to the list when you need help shifting from the negative, internal dialogue or memories.

***Change takes time. It is achievable. Be patient with yourself and before you know it, you’ll see how much you’ve grown!